ALMANACK 


KIN  HUBBA&D 


UNIVERSITY 
Of  ILLINOIS 

e.17 

nas'a- 

1910 


Abe  Martin’s  Almanack 


Title  Copyrighted 


Abe  Martin’s 

Brown  County  Almanack 

By  Kin  Hubbard 


A Volume  of  Philosophy,  Incidents  and 
Scenes  Direct  from  the  Paw  Paw 
Belt  of  Indiana 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  THE  AUTHOR 


ABE  MARTIN  PUB.  CO. 
INDIANAPOLIS 


One  Dollar 


PRE8S  OF 

WM*  B.  BURFORQ 

INDIANAPOLIS 


• 211 


>910 


> 

.a? 


To  my  baby  daughter, 
Virginia, 

who  has  just  found  her  toes 


Thanks  are  due  to 

The  Indianapolis  News  for  permission  to 
republish  much  of  the  material 
in  this  volume 


REARWORD 


It  seems  to  me  that  of  all  the  literary  and 
scientific  productions  of  the  times  the  one  that 
needs  a foreword  least  is  an  Almanack.  An 
Almanack  must  stand  or  fall  by  its  contents, 
its  predictions,  its  reflections  and  conclusions 
concerning  the  seasonable  changes,  and  no 
foreword  that  might  be  written  can  gloze  over 
any  inadequacies  that  may  appear  as  the  year 
runs  its  length. 

What  an  Almanack  should  have  is  a Rear- 
word.  That  is,  there  should  be  written  each 
year  a Rearword  for  the  Almanack  that  should 
be  run  as  the  Foreword  for  the  Almanack  of 
the  next  year,  calling  attention  to  the  eminent 
accuracy  of  all  that  was  presented  for  the  guid- 
ance and  instruction  of  the  people  in  the  vol- 
ume for  the  year  just  closed,  with,  perhaps,  a 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


few  modest  words  of  congratulation  to  the 
public  that  they  were  let  in  on  so  meritorious 
an  enterprise. 

This,  of  course,  is  an  innovation  in  Al- 
manack-making, but  Kin  Hubbard  is  an  inno- 
vator, and  I am  certain  he  will  see  the  value 
of  the  suggestion,  as  will  the  thousands  who 
are  cheered  by  his  philosophy  and  guided  by 
his  meteorology.  Thus,  proudly  taking  my 
position  as  a literary  Columbus,  I pronounce 
this  Foreword  a Rearword  for  the  1909  Al- 
manack, which  was  the  best  book  of  its  kind  I 
ever  saw;  and  also  a prophecy  concerning  the 
1910  Almanack,  which  I have  not  seen  yet,  but 
which  I know  will  surpass  all  the  previous 
Almanacks,  for  I have  watched  Kin  Hubbard’s 
development  from  sliphorn  to  science,  from 
parader  to  philosopher,  with  pride  and  en- 
thusiasm— per  aspera  ad  nasturtium,  as  Miss 
Fawn  Lippincut  would  say. 

SAMUEL  G.  BLYTHE. 


ALMANACK 


ABE  MARTIN’S  SAYINGS 


Abe  Martin 

of  Brown  County,  Indiana 


From  a "Photograph  Taken  Ninety-three  Years 
After  General  Hoh)e  and  One  Hundred  and 
Fifty-three  "British  Evacuated  "Boston 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  attended  th’  Thanks- 
givin’  hop  at  Melodeon  Hall,  an’  says  that 
some  girls  look  good  in  anything  an’  some  in 
hardly  anything. 

M 

Ex-Pres.  Roosyfel  walked  three  miles  t’ 
church  yisterday  an’  returned  on  foot. 

M 

Ole  E z Pash  started  t’  whitewash  his 
chicken  coop  Saturday  but  he  didn’  have  ter- 
backer  enough  t’  finish  it. 

Lafe  Bud  has  been  refused  a pension  thro’ 
th’  Tell  Binkley  agency.  He  wuz  in  th’  Boer 
war  at  St.  Louis. 


ALMANACK 


Miss  Germ  Williams  wuz  t’  spend  th’  day 
in  Morgantown  yisterday  but  she  fergot  t’ 
have  it  put  in  th’  paper,  so  she  didn’  go. 

M 

Alex  Tansey  returned  t’day  with  a hundred 
an’  twenty  pound  bride  with  two  hundred  dol- 
lars in  her  own  name.  They’ll  live  at  th’  New 
Palace  Hut-tel  fer  awhile  till  they  separate. 

M 

It’s  wonderful  what  a difference  it  makes  in 
th’  cost  o’  livin’  when  th’  weather  gits  so  your 
daughter  kin  spend  th’  evenin’s  on  th’  veranda. 


Lafe  Bud  is  back  from  his  vacation  an’  has 
gone  t’  French  Lick  fer  a rest. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


I’ll  bet  it’s  purty  hard  t’  associate  any  senti- 
ment with  reg’lar  ole  fashioned  winter  weather 
an’  drive  a milk  wagon. 

Jg 

Pinky  Kerr  has  more  hard  luck.  He’s  lost 
seven  hats  on  Bryan,  an’  Saturday  he  got  word 
that  th’  mill  he’s  been  workin’  in  is  goin’  t’ 
start  up. 


Young  Lafe  Bud  has  a new  baby  sister  t’ 
grow  up  an’  support  him. 


I guess  Constable  Newt  Plum’s  little  grand- 
daughter up  t’  Indynoplus  is  wonderfully 
smart.  She  kin  name  all  th’  presidents,  an’ 
next  week  they’re  goin’ t’  teach  her  t’  shut  th’ 
car  door. 


ALMANAC  K 


A noncombatant  wuz  hit  on  th’  head  with  a 
teacup  as  he  wuz  passin’  th’  Moots  home  this 
mornin’. 

[2] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Bermudy  onions  from  Texas,  Scotch  whisky 
from  Terre  Haute  an’  French  dry  cleaners 
from  Indynoplus. 

M 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  will  probably  not  go  t’ 
Niagary  Falls  this  summer,  as  she’s  havin’  a 
ready-made  dress  altered. 


Tilford  Moots’  wife  gits  in  a fight  with  him 
ever  mornin’  so  he  won’t  come  home  t’  dinner. 

M 

Th’  trouble  with  a tellyphone  is  that  th’  gro- 
cer alius  understands  you  t’  say  three  pounds 
instead  o’  one. 

M 

Mrs.  Lib  Pash  has  asked  th’  State  Board  o’ 
Pardons  t’  let  her  boy  out  o’  th’  Jeffersonville 
prison.  She  says  he  hain’t  satisfied  there. 


ALMANAC  K 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  she  didn’  see  no- 
buddy durin’  leap  year  that  she’d  have  but  a 
young  college  feller,  an’  she  didn’  feel  strong 
enough  t’  support  two. 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  practicin’  on  a 
eight-egg  filbert  tart. 


Tipton  Bud  is  as  slow  ’bout  payin’  his  bills 
as  a prominent  business  man. 

M 

You  kin  bluff  some  folks  by  offerin’  ’em 
work. 

M 


Ther’s  a feller  in  ever  community  that  tries 
t’  look  like  Buffalo  Bill. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Mother  can’t  flare  up  an’  leave  like  a hired 
girl. 

M 

A feller  don’t  stay  in  th’  limelight  long  these 
excitable  times  unless  he’s  a whitewasher. 

M 

Young  Lafe  Bud  wuz  put  out  o’  th’  New 
Palace  Hut-tel  yisterday  fer  garglin’  soup. 

M 

People  who  used  t’  look  fer  situations  now 
look  fer  jobs. 

M 

You  kin  git  on  th’  good  side  o’  most  any 
man  by  tellin’  him  he  don’t  look  a day  older. 

M 

V/henever  you  see  three  farmers  standin’ 
t’gether  ther  talkin’  ’bout  a ditch. 


ALMANACK 


Lafe  Bud  says  that  tippin’  is  a relic  o’  bar- 
berism. 

M 

Ole  Niles  Turner  smokes  th’  best  se-gars  he 
kin  find.  Sometimes  ther  half  smoked  an’  wet, 
but  usually  o’  fair  quality. 

M 

Of  all  th’  addin’  machines  th’  pie  counter  is 
th’  most  pop’lar. 

J£ 

Constable  Newt  Plum’s  son-in-law,  up  at 
Indynoplus,  has  adjusted  his  sewer  assess- 
ment, an’  will  be  allowed  t’  keep  his  home. 
He  talks  feelin’ly  o’  th’  lawyers  an’  friends 
who  have  stood  by  him  nobly  durin’  all  th’ 
improvements  in  his  neighborhood,  an’  ’spe- 
cially his  wife,  who  he  says  is  th’  bravest  little 
woman  on  earth. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  council  met  at  th’  livery  stable  last  night 
an’  decided  t’  hold  a local  option  ’lection  jist  t’ 
advertise  th’  town. 

M 

Th’  feller  that  don’t  advertise  may  know  his 
business,  but  nobuddy  else  does. 

M 

People  that  blurt  out  “jist  what  they  think” 
never  think  o’  nothin’  pleasant. 

M 

Constable  Newt  Plum’s  son-in-law  wuz 
operated  on  fer  pendycitis  Tuesday,  but  th’ 
operation  wuz  not  successful,  an’  he  expects  t’ 
go  t’  work  agin  Monday. 


Th’  feller  that  practices  on  a clarionet  has 
no  immediate  friends. 


ALMANAC  K 


Who’d  want  t’  be  an  aviator  an’  be  down 
an’  out  most  o’  the  time? 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  last  place  t’  look  fer  fish  is  at  a fishin’ 
resort  hut-tel. 


Th’  only  time  some  fellers  er  ever  seen  with 
ther  wives  is  when  they  bring  ’em  down  town 
t’  sign  some  property  away. 

M 

Ther’s  so  many  agents  an’  grafters  travelin’ 
’bout  these  days  that  it’s  almost  impossible  t’ 
find  th’  proprietor  in. 


Even  Colonel  Roosyfel  is  workin’  a skin 
game. 


Ther’s  no  greater  point  o’  interest  in  any 
community  than  a reliable  citizen. 


ALMANAC  K 


WINS  FAIR  BRIDE 


Happy  Climax  of  a Romantic  Meeting 
At  Niagara  Falls 


Mr.  and  Mrs.  J.  Dwight  Moon 

At  the  ever  popular  home  of  Mr.  Tilford 
Moots  and  wife  and  her  mother,  just  east  of 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


the  stave  factory,  last  evening  at  8 p.  m.,  the 
happy  realization  of  a dream  that  began  at 
Niagara  Falls,  a popular  Eastern  resort,  not 
quite  a month  ago,  was  consummated  among 
a bevy  of  neighbors  and  real  friends  and  potted 
flowers.  Anna  Aroma,  only  daughter  of  the 
Mootses,  plighted  her  troth  to  J.  Dwight 
Moon.  The  bride  was  snappily  arrayed  in  a 
going-away  suit  of  dull,  mottled  effect,  with  a 
solid  vestibule  train  and  no  jewelry  except  a 
few  pins  showing.  Little  Dorothy  Bud,  at- 
tired in  spotless  plaid,  was  the  ring  bearer. 
The  groom  looked  somewhat  shiny  but  neat 
and  clean  in  conventional  black,  and  held  a 
large  silver,  hunting  case  watch,  the  gift  of  the 
bride’s  father.  He  also  holds  a responsible 
position  in  one  of  the  largest  concerns  in  Illi- 
nois and  comes  from  an  old  Sucker  State  fam- 
ily long  prominent  in  the  councils  of  the  na- 
tion, his  father  having  hauled  the  mail  from 
the  depot  to  the  postoffice  at  Paris,  Illinois, 


ALMANACK 


during  the  war.  The  bride  is  the  niece  of  Dr. 
St.  Clare,  a prominent  specialist  of  the  ear,  eye 
and  nose  somewhere  in  Iowa,  and  a first  cousin 
of  Mr.  Chester  White,  long  a prominent  brake- 
man  on  the  Peoria  division  of  the  Big  Four. 
She  also  has  a married  aunt  in  the  East.  She 
has  a large  circle  of  friends  among  the  younger 
set  and  has  long  been  closely  identified  with 
the  burnt- wood  movement.  Reverend  Wiley 
Tanger  was  the  officiating  clergyman  and 
talked  feelingly  of  the  duty  of  the  bride’s 
father  to  the  husband,  and  how  both  sunshine 
and  shadow  would  alternate  as  they  wended 
their  way  down  life’s  pathway  to  the  great 
beyond.  Drawing  his  cleanly  shaven  face 
nearer  and  nearer  the  bride  he  kissed  her  gent- 
ly as  her  newly  made  husband  slipped  five 
brand  new  ones  into  his  hand.  The  happy 
couple’s  departure  for  their  future  home  in  the 
West  at  10  p.  m.  was  attended  by  all  the  usual 
jokes  and  antics. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


One  Week  Later . 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  has  gone  to  Paris,  Illi- 
nois, to  spend  a few  months  with  her  daugh- 
ter, Mrs.  J.  Dwight  Moon,  nee  Anna  Aroma 
Moots. 

Five  Months  Later . 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  has  returned  from  Paris, 
Illinois,  accompanied  by  her  daughter,  Mrs.  J. 
Dwight  Moon,  nee  Anna  Aroma  Moots,  who 
will  make  her  home  with  her  parents,  as  Mr. 
Moon  has  accepted  a traveling  position  which 
will  keep  him  away  from  home  the  greater 
part  of  the  time. 


ALMANAC  K 


A woman  never  hesitates  to  git  on  a crowded 
street  car — she  knows  some  workin’  man’ll  git 
up  an’  give  her  his  seat. 

M 

Tipton  Bud  has  sent  his  wife  a souvenir  pus- 
tal  card  from  th’  Yellowstone  Park,  sayin’: 
“I’m  standin’  right  on  th’  edge  o’  a precipice 
lookin’  straight  down  five  thousand  feet.  Wish 
you  wuz  here.” 

M 

Ole  Niles  Turner  wants  t’  know  how  you 
play  Sunday  ball. 

M 

A feller  alius  looks  simple  when  he  meets 
somebuddy  that  used  t’  know  his  wife. 

M 

Ther’s  lots  o’  foxier  fellers  than  Joe  Cannon, 
but  ther  very  few. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  feller  with  a deep,  thick  voice  alius  gits 
th’  most  attention  an’  generally  knows  th’ 
least. 

M 

Young  Lafe  Bud  has  left  his  wife  t’  accept 
an  offer  fer  an  experienced  single  man  with  no 
capital. 

M 

Tilford  Moots’  son  what  settled  in  Dakota  a 
year  ago  has  written  t’  his  father  fer  a home- 
seekers’  ticket. 

M 


If  ther’s  anything  I feel  as  sorry  fer  as  a 
hoss  failin’  down  it’s  a man  travelin’  alone 
with  a baby. 


Th’  hardest  thing  t’  stop  is  a temporary 
chairman. 


ALMANACK 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  is  scarcely  able  t’  do  her 
housework,  an’  th’  doctor  says  she’ll  have  t’ 
have  her  ’phone  taken  out. 

Jg 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  a new  gold  tooth 
an’  it  shines  like  a gallus  buckle. 

Jg 

Til  Moots  has  put  his  garden  all  in,  an’  says 
he  expects  t’  raise  ever’thing  usually  seen  on 
a fust-class  spring  hat. 


If  ther’s  one  thing  more’n  ’tother  that  a rela- 
tive hates  it’s  a foldin’  bed. 


A travelin’  doctor  with  short  hair  caused 
considerable  comment  at  th’  hut-tel  t’day. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Lafe  Bud  has  won  a scholarship  in  a bar- 
bers’ college. 


Ez  Pash  says  th’  thing  he  can’t  understand 
is  that  neither  Cook  er  Peary  er  from  Ohio. 

M 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  missed  school  Monday. 
She  had  t’  stay  home  an’  gather  up  th’  Sunday 
paper. 

M 

Th’  more  important  a feller  gits  around  a 
concern  th’  easier  it  seems  t’  git  along  while  he 
is  on  a vacation. 

M 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  has  decided  not  to  visit 
her  mother  in  Illynoy  this  fall.  She  says  she’d 
rather  put  th’  money  in  rugs. 


ALMANACK 


THE  GREAT  AUK 


By  Professor  Alex  Tansey 

Somewhere  in  the  East  the  slow,  tedious 
process  of  assembling  a Great  Auk  (also 
spelled  Aik,  Awk,  Alck 
and  Alka)  is  in  progress. 
This  bird  belonged  to  an 
antediluvian  race  of  mon- 
sters even  exceeding  in 
dimensions  the  famous 
Dipl  odoccus  Carneglei, 
and,  while  being  distinct- 

A Distinguished  German  ty  Arctic  in  its  prOClivi- 
Authontp  ties,  huge  disosaurian  de- 

posits are  not  infrequently  found  in  Florida. 
When  entirely  erected  and  completed  with  all 
trimmings  this  fowl  will  undoubtedly  be  found 
to  be  at  least  a head  taller  than  the  celebrated 


t3] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Gigantosaurus  Agustus  Africanus,  of  which 
we  know  so  little.  According  to  a distin- 
guished German  authority  the  Great  Auk 


The  Great  Auk  Nearing  Completion 


abounded  in  Labrador  as  late  as  the  Tilden 
campaign,  while  a scientist  of  repute  in  one  of 
the  Eastern  States  writes  that  large  numbers 
of  the  birds  were  seen  as  early  as  the  fifth 


ALMANAC  K 


century  on  the  Funks  off  the  south  coast  of 
Newfoundland.  In  a recently  published  in- 
terview a prominent  Southern  scientist  is 
made  to  say  that  a splendid 
specimen  of  the  Great  Auk 
was  seen  on  the  streets  of 
St.  Augustine,  Florida,  in 
the  fall  of  73.  He  is  further 
quoted  as  saying  that  it  is 
the  only  North  American 
bird  without  wings,  and  that 
it  defended  its  young  by 
kicking  when  overtaken  in 
the  chase.  He  tells  also  of 
the  finding  of  a section  of  the  spine  in  the 
eighties,  near  Alabama,  that  measured  thirty 
feet  in  length,  and  that  it  soon  crumbled  when 
exposed  to  the  warm  Southern  atmosphere. 


A Prominent  South 
ern  Scientist 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Don’t  a feller  feel  good  after  he  gits  out  of 
a store  where(he  nearly  bought  something? 


ALMANAC  K 


A box  o’  vaneered  se-gars  has  reached  here, 
th’  fust  o’  th’  campaign. 


It’s  th’  easiest  thing  in  th’  world  t’  be  funny 
in  a parlor. 

Jg 

Miss  Tawney  Apple’s  aunt  has  finally  got 
enough  coffee  coupons  t’  git  a clothes  wringer, 
but  it  killed  her  husband. 

M 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots  went  t’  town  this 
mornin’  determined  t’  git  an  egg  plant  fer  a 
nickel. 

Jg 

Lib  Pash  has  got  three  nice  chickens  out  o’ 
her  garden  so  fer  this  spring. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  feller  that  eats  hash  at  th’  New  Palace 
Hut-tel  don’t  know  what  he’s  missed. 

M 

It’s  seven  miles  t’  Morgantown  as  th’  crow 
flies  er  nineteen  miles  accordin’  t’  th’  leadin’ 
jeweler. 

3$ 

Constable  Newt  Plum’s  married  dorter  hit 
her  finger  with  a hatchet  yisterday  an’  th’  fust 
thing  she  yelled  wuz  “git  his  number.” 

3$ 

It  seems  like  th’  folks  that  go  t’  work  at 
eight  er  nine  o’clock  make  all  th’  money. 

M 

You  mustn’  eat  oysters  in  August  ’cause 
some  folks  call  it  Orgust. 


ALMANACK 


Ole  Niles  Turner  has  lost  his  teeth,  an’  he 
talks  like  a gum  boot  rollin’  down  stairs. 

M 

Miss  Mazie  Bud,  of  Stop  15,  Sundayed  at 
Stop  16. 

Most  ever’thing  folks  talk  t’  you  ’bout  these 
days  don’t  concern  nobuddy  but  ’emselves. 


Tipton  Bud  is  one  o’  them  farmers  that 
votes,  rain  er  shine. 

M 

Tilford  Moots  wuz  exhibitin’  a wooden  chain 
at  th’  pustoffice  yisterday  that  showed  con- 
siderable genius.  He  jist  carved  it  out  with  a 
reg’lar  penknife  Monday  mornin’  while  his 
wife  wuz  plowin’. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


A ragged,  broken  down  feller  passed  th’ 
pustoffice  this  mornin’  an’  Pinky  Kerr  said: 
“You  wouldn’  think  from  lookin’  at  him  that 
he  played  an  elegant  game  o’  billiards  ten 
years  ago.” 

M 

Cheer  up — ther’  hain’t  no  one  everbuddy 
likes. 


Hats  fer  women  can’t  ever  be  any  worse 
than  they  are  now. 

M 

A tent  an’  awnin’  company  is  makin’  a new 
uniform  for  Constable  Plum. 


ALMANACK 


Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  tripped  on  a croquet  arch 
yisterday  an’  broke  her  nose.  Constable  Newt 
Plum  says  no  further  games  kin  be  played  in 
his  jurisdiction  ’til  all  th’  brutal  features  er 
eliminated. 

M 

Th’  feller  that  don’t  git  skinned  nowadays 
is  disappointed. 

M 

Boys  will  be  boys  an’  so  will  lots  o’  ole  men. 

M 

Somethin’s  wrong  somewhere  when  a feller 
can’t  save  as  much  as  he  could  when  he  wuz 
out  o’  work. 

M 

Lafe  Bud  had  a fine  twelve  dollar  suit  ruined 
up  t’  Indynoplus  yisterday.  He  wuz  tryin’  t’ 
cross  th’  street  like  he’d  alius  lived  there. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Ever  father  expects  his  boys  t’  do  all  th’ 
things  he  wouldn’  do  when  he  wuz  young. 

M 

A soft  answer  is  often  good  fer  another 
month’s  rent. 


Never  judge  a man  by  th’  cigar  that’s  named 
fer  him. 

M 

Th’  feller  that  charges  “jist  whatever  you 
think’s  right”  alius  gits  th’  best  o’  it. 

M 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  don’t  know  whether  t’ 
git  a one  er  two  bushel  hat. 

M 

It  often  happens  that  a feller’s  usefulness 
ends  when  his  salary  is  raised. 


ALMANAC  K 


The  Stage 


The  Last  Tie  “Broken.  A Scene  from  Prof.  Alex 
T onset/’ s New  “Drama,  "No  Chauffer 
to  Guide  Her " 

Pinky  Kerr  hain’t  never  been  sick  a day,  an’ 
he’s  been  travelin’  with  a theatrical  company 
nearly  all  his  life.  He  says  walkin’  is  the  nat- 
ural exercise. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Ther  wuz  a phonergraph  show  at  Melodeon 
Hall  last  night  an'  th’  crowd  broke  all  records. 

M 

A nickelodeon  pianner  player  has  been 
known  t’  go  five  days  without  food  er  water. 


It  takes  eight  Sunday  papers  t’  heat  Me- 
lodeon Hall. 

M 

’Bout  th’  only  thing  that  kin  be  run  on  wind 
is  a the-atrical  boardin’  house. 


Th’  feller  that  kin  climb  up  on  a Chautauky 
stage  an’  face  a sea  o’  shirtwaists  an’  still  hold 
onto  his  composure  needn’  worry  ’bout  th’ 
Aldrich  bill. 


ALMANAC  K 


It  seems  like  th’  folks  that  owe  everybuddy 
in  town  never  miss  a show. 

M 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  is  sellin’  tickets  at  th’ 
nickel  the-ater  an’  she  thinks  she’s  a actress. 

M 

Th’  comedy  troupe  that  played  at  Melodeon 
Hall  all  last  week  didn’t  give  away  no  cut  glass 
pitcher  Saturday  night  as  they  advertised. 
Th’  manager  came  out  an’  said  business  had 
been  so  good  he  would  give  a rollickin’  farce 
instead. 


Th’  lecture  on  “Altruism”  at  Melodeon  Hall 
last  night  didn’  materialize,  as  nobuddy  knew 
what  it  meant. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  Olympic  The-atrical  Club  played  Pro- 
fessor Tansey’s  new  mellerdrammer,  “Hair 
Lip,  th’  Scout,”  at  th’  hall  last  night.  Th’ 
play  wuz  so  good  that  after  Miss  Lippincut 
rendered  “Short  Sheets  Make  th’  Bed  Seem 
Longer”  th’  audience  got  up  an’  left,  refusin’  t’ 
take  any  more  fer  ther  money. 

M 

Pinky  Kerr  says  he  wuz  treated  like  a dog 
all  th’  time  he  was  with  Uncle  Tom’s  Cabin. 

M 

One  peculiarity  ’bout  th’  the-atrical  business 
is  that  ever’buddy  on  th’  stage  thinks  ther  th’ 
best  in  th’  business. 

M 

Th’  court  house  has  t’  move,  as  a nickel  the- 
ater wants  th’  room. 


ALMANACK 


It’s  alius  a relief  t’  see  a show  advertised 
that  you’ve  seen  once. 

M 

It’s  purty  hard  t’  face  th’  music  sometimes 
— ’specially  in  a nickel  the-ater. 

M 

Th’  feller  that  wouldn’t  walk  across  th’ 
street  t’  see  a circus  would  cut  his  own  hair. 

M 

Ike  Lark  wuz  fired  out  o’  th’  band  fer  takin’ 
a ten-bar  rest  in  a overture  at  Melodeon  Hall 
last  night. 

M 

Pinky  Kerr  has  been  offered  a fine  seven- 
thousand-dollar  job  at  Washin’ton,  but  he  says 
he’d  rather  stay  here  an’  play  in  th’  band. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Last  night  wuz  as  blustery  an’  stormy  as  if 
ther  wuz  a virtuoso  concert  at  Melodeon  Hall. 

M 

Th’  legislature  ort  t’  pass  a law  makin’  it  a 
criminal  offense  fer  th’  second  fiddler  t’  wear 
his  hair  like  th’  leader. 

M 

Some  women  take  great  pride  in  ther  hair 
an’  others  never  take  ther  hat  off  till  th’  cur- 
tain is  nearly  up. 

M 

It’s  a mighty  mean  man  that  tells  his  little 
boy  that  th’  pe-rade  is  all  ther  is  t’  a circus. 

M 

Pinky  Kerr  says  he  has  a aunt  that  never 
seen  a train  o’  cars,  an’  Tipton  Bud  says  he’s 
got  a uncle  that  never  seen  “Way  Down  East.” 


ALMANAC  K 


New  Melodeon  Hall 


By  Miss  Germ  Williams 


During  the  closed  season  for  theatricals  Me- 
lodeon Hall  has  undergone  many  notable 
14] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


changes.  The  walls  about  the  ticket  office 
window  have  been  handsomely  whitewashed 
and  the  railing  along  the  gallery  stairway  has 
been  neatly  sandpapered.  It  is  the  intention 


Constable  NeWt  Plum , New  Manager  of  Melo- 
deon  Hall 

of  Constable  Newt  Plum,  who  has  assumed 
the  management  of  the  popular  old  playhouse, 
to  make  other  important  changes.  If  his  pres- 
ent plans  carry,  an  effort  will  be  made  to  oust 


ALMANACK 


Tell  Binkley,  who  occupies  a lower  floor  room 
just  in  the  rear  of  the  livery  stable  end.  If 
this  can  be  brought  about  a dressing  room  will 
be  added,  thus  making  the  theater  one  of  the 
most  comfortable  as  well  as  the  most  modern 
opera  halls  west  of  Lima,  Ohio.  Manager 
Plum  is  also  determined  to  put  an  end  to  the 
old  custom,  so  long  popular  with  the  patrons 
of  the  theater,  of  eating  sardines  during  a per- 
formance and  throwing  the  empty  boxes  on  the 
floor  and  elsewhere. 


Building  Notes 


Mr.  Lai  Moots,  o’  Indynoplus,  has  turned 
over  his  new  home  as  part  payment  o’  a sewer 
assessment  an’  will  return  here  an’  begin  life 


over. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


After  a feller  gets  through  havin’  a house 
built  he  reads  ever’thing  he  signs. 

M 

Tilford  Moots’  new  house  is  all  finished  but 
th’  mortgage. 


Tipton  "Bud  and  Wife  and  Son  Lionel  in  the 
Early  Sixties 

Tipton  Bud’s  brother  hung  hisself  this 
mornin’.  He  leaves  a wife  an’  a half  finished 
house. 


ALMANAC  K 


For  Fair  Woman’s  Eye 


Chewin’  gum  loses  its  strength  when  left  ex- 
posed on  th’  bed  post  over  night. 


M 

Lots  o’  young  husbands  er  glad  when  th’ 
fust  baby  comes  on  account  o’  th’  safety  pins. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


You  kin  alius  tell  a novel-readin’  mother  by 
th’  names  of  her  children. 


Any  woman  looks  good  in  th’  ole  fashioned 
sunbonnet — side  view. 

M 

You  kin  fool  a girl  on  most  ever’thing  ’cept 
what’s  stylish. 

M 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  this  is  positively 
th’  last  time  she’ll  change  her  waist  line. 

M 


Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  that  a liberal  quan- 
tity o’  burnt  umber  spread  freely  over  th’  neck 
in  a true  girlish  fashion  will  obliterate  th’  win- 
ter water  line. 


ALMANACK 


It  wuz  too  late  t’  play  cards  after  th’  ole 
fashioned  mother  got  through  with  th’  house- 
work. 

M 

Miss  Germ  Williams’  cousin  married  th’ 
most  pop’lar  an’  richest  feller  in  Champaign, 
Illynoy,  Saturday,  an’  she’s  combed  her  hair 
th’  same  way  fer  fifteen  years. 

M 

Th’  Shakespeare  Club  met  at  Miss  Fawn 
Lippincut’s  t’day  an’  discussed  hats. 

M 

Some  girls  will  tolerate  most  any  kind  of  a 
feller  rather  than  give  back  any  jewelry. 

JS 

A woman  don’t  begin  t’  look  purty  till  nine 
o’clock  in  th’  mornin’. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


What’s  become  o’  th’  ole  fashioned  nubia 
with  window  curtain  tassels  hangin’  on  th’ 
ends  that  th’  girls  used  t’  wear? 

JS 

Grandmother  didn’  know  nothin’  ’bout  th’ 
benzoate  o’  sody.  She  hid  her  jelly  t’  make  it 
keep. 

M 

Th’  modern  girl  writes  t’  a woman’s  maggy- 
zine  instead  o’  askin’  her  mother. 

M 

Miss  Germ  Williams  says  it  is  not  proper 
fer  a young  man  t’  go  out  between  films  when 
he  takes  his  girl  t’  th’  nickel  the-ater. 

Jg 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  thrown  away  her 
panatella  corset.  Hip!  hip! 


ALMANAC  K 


A Indian  baby  never  cries,  but  who  would 
want  to  be  an  Indian  father? 

M 

It  is  said  by  one  who  is  in  ever’  way  quali- 
fied t’  speak  on  th’  subject  that  th’  reason 
thousands  o’  girls  never  git  married  is  that  at 
some  time  er  other  they’ve  expressed  ’emselves 
as  bein’  bitterly  opposed  t’  housework. 

M 

What’s  become  o’  th’  good,  ole  fashioned 
girl  that  used  t’  say  “Excuse  onions,”  instead 
o’  lyin’  ’bout  bein’  at  home? 

M 

Th’  June  bride  should  remember  that  it’s  not 
alius  easy  t’  dress  up-t’-date  on  th’  money 
from  her  husband’s  ole  clothes. 

Jg 

False  teeth  er  all  right  in  ther  place. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


A flat  is  one  room  all  cut  up. 

If  your  husband  don’t  like  t’  stay  at  home 
mebbe  it’s  ’cause  you  don’t  know  he  chaws  ter- 
backer. 

M 

Th’  Colonial  Whist  Club  met  yisterday  an’ 
talked  about  ever’buddy  in  town. 

M 

Mrs.  Tilford  Moots’  sister  passed  away  yis- 
terday at  Roundhead,  Ohio.  She  had  long 
been  prominent  in  all  movements  fer  th’  bet- 
terment o’  women,  an’  her  husband  has  been 
missin’  fer  years. 

If  ther  wuz  only  three  women  in  th’  world 
they’d  all  hate  housework. 


ALMANAC  K 


Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  is  writin’  a recipe  on 
how  t’  keep  from  turnin’  red  at  a musical 
comedy. 

M 

Pianner  playin’  is  a fine  accomplishment,  but 
th’  practicin’  ort  t’  be  done  in  th’  woods. 

M 

Miss  Tawney  Apple  says  if  it  wuzn’t  fer 
startin’  ever’buddy  t’  knockin’  she’d  announce 
her  engagement. 

M 

Babies  er  great  institutions.  Most  folks 
wouldn’t  take  a million  dollars  fer  th’  fust  one 
er  refuse  a nickel  fer  th’  second. 

M 

Miss  Tawney  Apple,  who  is  t’  be  married  in 
September,  has  asked  fer  a respite. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Nothin’  fades  like  popularity  if  it’s  overex- 
posed. 

M 

Ther’s  no  substitute  fer  th’  bloom  o’  youth 
that  you  can’t  tell  across  th’  street. 

M 

A slice  o’  egg  plant  makes  a dandy  sink  stop- 
per. 

M 

I guess  it’s  better  in  th’  long  run  t’  keep 
your  mouth  shut,  even  if  you  do  get  th’  repu- 
tation fer  bein’  uninterestin’. 


ALMANAC  K 


Lots  o’  fellers  take  ther  hat  off  in  a elevator 
that  think  a woman’s  place  is  in  th’  kitchen. 

Jg 

The  average  girl  would  look  better  if  she’d 
dress  her  hair  accordin’  t’  her  face. 

Jg 

Ever  girl  has  an  age  when  she  can’t  decide 
whether  t’  try  t’  git  married  er  be  a trained 
nurse. 

Jg 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  says  it’s  perfectly 
proper  fer  a feller  t’  take  his  girl’s  arm  while 
passin’  a engine  house. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Nothin’  a little  man  says  ever  sounds  prob- 
able. 


ALMANAC  K 


Ther’  never  wuz  a real  county  fair  without 
an  ole  lady  in  a black  alpaca  dress  an’  sunbon- 
net  settin’  under  a tree  by  th’  art  hall  smokin’ 
terbacker  an’  pennyroyal  mixed. 


Miss  Tawney  Apple,  bride  t’  be,  went  up  t’ 
Indynoplus  t’day  t’  buy  her  tonneau. 

Jff 

After  all,  th’  only  ole,  reliable,  safe  an’  sane 
sport  is  croquet. 

J£ 

Ther’  never  kin  be  any  real  happiness  where 
ther’s  bad  coffee. 

M 

After  a feller  gits  married  he  goes  home  at 
noon  fer  a couple  o’  weeks  t’  kiss  his  wife  an’ 
then  he  begins  t’  eat  down  town. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


After  a feller  distinguishes  himself  these 
days  he  starts  right  in  t’  make  it  pay. 

Rev.  Wiley  Tanger  has  resigned  his  pastur- 
age, as  his  wife  didn’  care  fer  croquet. 

M 

Owin’  t’  th’  hard  times  th’  members  o’  th’ 
Prosperity  Club  er  wearin’  ther  uniforms  ever’ 
day. 

M 

Th’  hardest  thing  ’bout  makin’  a speech  is 
knowin’  what  t’  do  with  your  hands. 

M 

While  workin’  by  th’  hour  yisterday  Sam 
Hale  wuz  found  dead  near  th’  pump  from 
drinkin’  too  much  water. 


ALMANAC  K 


Tipton  Bud  wuz  up  all  night  with  his  baby 
walkin’  in  his  bare  feet  on  a crex  rug, 

M 

Th’  feller  that  argues  with  himself  alius  gits 
th’  best  o’  it. 

M 

Th’  fool  an’  his  father’s  money  soon  part. 

You  kin  tell  how  some  girls  hate  work  by  th’ 
fellers  they  marry. 

M 

Th’  more  you  read  how  t’  raise  chickens  th’ 
fewer  eggs  you  gather. 

M 

Some  men  er  not  as  black  as  ther  painted 
an’  some  women  not  as  pink, 

15] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Tell  Binkley  says  th’  Indynoplus  street  car 
conductors  er  th’  most  accomodatin’  fellers  he 
ever  met.  When  he  paid  his  fare  Sunday  one 
o’  them  told  him  he  wuz  sorry  he  didn’  have  a 
Canadian  quarter  t’  give  him. 

M 

Some  fellers  git  credit  fer  bein’  quiet  an’  in- 
offensive when  ther  really  in  th’  mail  order 
business. 

M 

Never  take  anything  t’day  you  can’t  put 
back  t’morrow. 

You  kin  fool  all  th’  people  all  th’  time  after 
th’  cantaloupe  season  opens. 


When  two  homely  people  meet  they  alius 
seem  glad  t’  see  each  other. 


ALMANAC  K 


Young  Lafe  Bud  is  slowly  recoverin’  from 
a rim  fire  sandwich  he  et  at  Helmsburg. 

Jg 

Ther’s  entirely  too  many  people  in  this 
country  lookin’  fer  light  employment. 

Jg 

Ther’s  lots  o’  varieties  o’  Dimmycrats,  but 
th’  stringless  er  very  few. 

Jg 

A grown  person  alius  looks  simple  ridin’ 
b’hind  a pony. 

Jg 

Dock  Mopps  visited  his  boyhood  home  at 
Tulip,  Indianny,  yisterday,  fer  th’  fust  time  in 
forty  years.  He  found  ever’thing  jist  th’  same, 
’cept  th’  whiskers  er  longer. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  fust  thing  lots  o’  folks  think  of  as  soon 
as  they  git  up  in  th’  mornin’  is  how  they  kin 
git  ther  names  in  th’  paper. 

M 

Ole  Mat  Thomas,  who  fell  thro’  th’  hay  hole 
at  th’  livery  stable  Monday,  will  never  be  able 
t’  work  agin,  so  his  boys  have  joined  th’  reg’lar 
army. 


ALMANACK 


On  the  twenty-third  day  of  last  November 
Uncle  Niles  Turner  celebrated  his  one  hun- 
dred and  third  birthday.  His  faculties  are 
still  unimpaired,  and  he  takes  great  pride  in 
the  fact  that  he  never  reported  a conductor. 
He  talks  interestingly  of  a very  wet  spring  in 
the  early  thirties  when  every  croquet  set  in  the 
village  sprouted. 


Uncle  Niles  Turner 


Uncle  Niles  Turner 


By  one  <rvho  <voas  there 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Tea,  Coffee,  Iced  Tea  or  Milk 


A clump  of  drummers  was  homeward  bound 
one  Friday  night  in  a day  coach.  After 
lying  for  quite  a while  about  their  week’s  busi- 
ness the  subject  was  abruptly  changed  to  din- 
ing-room girls.  One  fellow  told  of  the  diffi- 


" Leaning  Carelessly  on  the  "Back  of  My  Chair 
She  Said,  ‘’Etc. 


ALMANAC  K 


culty  of  getting  anything  to  eat  at  a hotel 
where  a repertoire  company  in  “standard 
plays”  was  stopping,  another  of  the  futility  of 
asking  for  the  second  egg  during  the  winter 
months,  another  of  a dining-room  girl  that 
used  to  say,  “Floating  island  or  fruit,”  and 
when  asked  what  kind  of  fruit  replied,  “Apple 
butter.”  Finally  Lafe  Bud  kicked  the  shoe  off 
his  left  foot  and  carelessly  threw  his  leg  over 
the  arm  of  his  seat  and  said : 

“During  the  campaign  of  1904  I had  been 
traveling  for  some  days  organizing  Taft  clubs.” 
(Here  Mr.  Bud  kicked  off  his  other  shoe,  and 
throwing  the  seat  back,  rested  both  feet  on  the 
soft,  plush  top.)  “At  three  o’clock  one  morn- 
ing I arrived  at  a small  town  on  the  B.  and  O. 
in  Indiana.  Going  to  the  leading  hotel  I was 
admitted  to  the  office  and  sat  down  to  read  last 
week’s  paper  by  a lantern  till  breakfast  time.” 
(Mr.  Bud  changed  his  position,  and,  opening 
a window,  cocked  his  feet  up  on  the  sill,  much 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


to  the  discomfiture  of  a stylishly  dressed  lady 
just  behind  him.)  “I  was  just  dozing  off  to 
sleep  when  the  dining-room  door  swung  back 
with  a bang  and  a frayed-out  blonde,  with  her 
shoestrings  trailing  and  shooing  back  the  flies 
with  her  apron,  said,  ‘Breakfast  is  ready  fer 
those  what  want  it.’  Following  her  to  the 
transient  table  near  the  golden  oak  sideboard, 
I was  soon  seated,  and  then,  guess  what  she 
said,  leaning  carelessly  on  the  back  of  my 
chair?” 

“What?”  came  a chorus  of  salesmen’s  voices. 

“Squirrel  er  eggs?” 


ALMANAC  K 


Motoring 


A ortomobile  salesman  could  talk  about  a 
cow  jist  as  easy. 

M 


Tell  Binkley  charged  a quarter’s  worth  o’  se- 
gars  this  mornin’,  cranked  his  bran  new  tourin’ 
car  an’  started  fer  Indynoplus  t’  have  a note 
renewed. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  Rev.  Wiley  Tanger  says  th’  road  t’  th’ 
devil  is  th’  most  pop’lar  speedway  in  th’  world. 

M 

’Bout  th’  best  thing  I kin  say  fer  a tourin’ 
car  is  that  th’  lines  don’t  git  under  th’  tail. 

M 

This  mornin’  Tell  Binkley  jumped  int’  his 
new  three-thousan’-dollar  tourin’  car,  an’,  after 
testin’  th’  carbuter,  hurried  t’  th’  poor  farm, 
arrivin’  jist  ten  minutes  too  late  t’  see  his 
mother  alive. 

M 

Tell  Binkley  says  if  folks  er  bound  an’  deter- 
mined t’  go  head  o’er  heels  in  debt  they  might 
jist  as  well  git  good  tourin’  cars  while  ther 
at  it. 


ALMANACK 


Tell  Binkley  wuz  up  t’  Indynoplus  t’day  an’ 
bought  a set  o’  auto  tires  an’  paid  a dollar  on 
his  furniture. 

M 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  a linen  suit  but  no 
auto. 

M 

With  a single  bound  Tell  Binkley  jumped 
int’  his  three-thousan’-dollar  tourin’  car  this 
mornin’  an’  started  over  th’  hills  at  a merry 
clip  fer  Indynoplus  t’  see  th’  circus,  an’  not 
bein’  able  t’  borrow  any  money  he  returned 
home  after  th’  p’rade 


While  curryin’  his  toupee  this  mornin’  Tell 
Binkley  wuz  given  till  Monday  t’  pay  th’  re- 
mainin’ $2,800  on  his  tourin’  car. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Pinky  Kerr  says  he  don’t  believe  anybuddy 
ever  bought  a lobster  when  he  wuz  sober. 


ALMANAC  K 


Th’  fust  purty  weather  alius  brings  out  a lot 
o’  dizzy  lookin’  plug  hats. 

M 

What’s  become  o’  th’  ole-time  freckled  face 
village  pest  that  played  th’  French  harp  with 
his  nose? 

M 

It  haint  no  trouble  fer  a feller  with  a good 
reputation  an’  a wide  circle  o’  friends  t’  steal 
all  th’  money  he  wants  if  he’s  built  that  way. 

M 

When  it  comes  t’  raisin’  revenue  what’s  th’ 
matter  with  a national  lottery?  Th’  consumer 
would  at  least  git  a little  excitement. 

38 

Th’  mills  o’  th’  gods  er  usin’  th’  same  ole 
roller  process. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  resturint  keeper  is  havin’  a hard  time 
these  days  cuttin’  a pie  so  ’t’ll  pay  fer  itself. 

M 

You  can’t  even  be  pleasant  these  days  with- 
out some  one  tryin’ t’  take  advantage  o’  you. 

M 

Once  in  a long  time  you  find  enough  rela- 
tives on  speakin’  terms  t’  hold  a family  re- 
union. 

M 

Hain’t  it  funny  what  ugly  men  an’  dogs 
some  women  kin  love. 


Young  Lafe  Bud  says  that  th’  thing  that 
impressed  him  most  durin’  his  trip  over  In- 
dianny  with  Senator  Beveridge  wuz  payin’  15 
cents  fer  a plate  o’  beans  at  Wabash. 


ALMANACK 


The  Home-Coming  of  Brough 
McGee 


By  Miss  Germ  Williams 

It  has  been  many  a year  since  any  public 
event  brought  to  the  surface  as  much  lively 
interest  as  the  home  coming  exercises  at  Me- 
lodeon  Hall  last  Thursday  night  in  honor  of 
Mr.  Brough  McGee.  Every  available  inch  of 
space  was  utilized,  and  many  late  comers  had 
to  either  return  home  or  hang  around  and  play 
pool  at  the  Little  Gem.  Professor  Clem  Har- 
ness silver  cornet  band  played  “Home,  Sweet 
Home,”  and  was  immediately  followed  by  Mr. 
Alex  Tansey,  who  delivered  the  address  of 
welcome  without  referring  to  his  notes  once. 
It  was  most  brilliant,  instructive  and  eloquent, 
and  to  those  who  know  Mr.  Tansey  only  cas- 
ually it  was  indeed  a great  surprise.  His 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


knowledge  of  life  and  conditions  on  the  plains 
in  the  early  days  shows  much  studiousness. 
Mr.  Tansey  spoke  in  full  as  follows : 

“Ladies,  Gentlemen  of  the  Band,  and  Gentle- 
men— There  has  been  in  my  life,  though  brief 
as  it  has  been,  so  to  speak,  four  particularly 
bright  epochs,  so  to  speak,  that  stand  out  on 
memory’s  scroll  like  four  great  golden  teeth 
in  the  face  of  time,  as  I might  say  in  way  of 
illustration,  so  to  speak.  The  first  was  my 
privilege  in  introducing  William  Jennings 
Bryan  to  the  citizens  of  Shoals  in  the  late 
memorable  campaign.  The  second,  the  distin- 
guished honor  of  having  been  chosen  to  per- 
form the  same  function  an  hour  later  at  Bed- 
ford to  an  immense  throng.  The  third  was  the 
still  further  splendid  pleasure  of  introducing 
the  Peerless  Nebraskan  to  a multitude  of  souls 
at  Bloomington  fifty  minutes  later.  Now,  my 
fellow  ladies  and  friends,  I have  the  distin- 
guished honor,  so  to  speak,  to  introduce  to 


ALMANACK 


you  one,  though  distinguished  in  no  lesser 
degree,  though  along  widely  different  lines,  so 
to  speak,  is  thereby  no  less  distinguished. 
(Liberal  applause.)  Our  subject  this  evening 
is  a man,  who,  in  the  prime  of  young  manhood, 
with  a breast  fairly  bursting  with  all  that  is 
good  and  manly,  struck  out  westward  at  a time 
when  men  were  tried  as  at  no  other  time  in  our 
country’s  time.  (Applause.)  A time  when 
the  westward  traveler,  so  to  speak,  encoun- 
tered in  his  pathway  innumerable  dangers 
without  number.  Where  the  unbroken  trail 
to  the  then  great  unknown,  so  to  speak,  passed 
through  a labyrinth  of  peril,  pathos  and  pesti- 
lence. Danger  lurked  behind  each  nodding 
cacti  and  scrubby  sage  brush.  Bath  tubs,  ice, 
shaving  sticks,  lawn  mowers  and  other  lux- 
uries that  are  ours  today  were  unknown  then. 
Pushing  on,  besmeared  with  the  dust  of  fa- 
tigue but  ever  hopeful,  the  westward  trav- 
eler of  the  early  fifties  was  indeed  a man 
[6] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


of  inscrutable  nerve,  so  to  speak.  On  and 
on,  and  on  again,  he  trudged  over  jagged 
peaks,  through  gloomy,  echoful  canyons,  al- 
ways within  hailing  distance  of  hostile  sav- 
ages, though  being  careful  not  to  hail,  through 
villages  of  scowling,  bewhiskered  Mormons — 
always  onward  toward  the  great  Golden  West, 
so  to  speak,  over  barren  wastes  of  sand  and 
alkali  with  naught  but  the  heaven’s  blue  can- 
opy for  a tarpaulin,  so  to  speak.  I tell  you, 
my  friends  and  members  of  the  band,  them 
was  the  times  when  men  were  tried,  and  the 
bones  of  them  that  was  found  wanting  are 
bleaching  on  the  desert  today.  Who  was  to 
transform  the  boundless  sandy  wastes  and 
marshy  plains,  the  forest  fastnesses  and  moun- 
tain regions  of  the  great  West,  so  to  speak,  to 
a luxuriant  paradise  of  mineral  wealth,  yellow 
fields  of  grain  and  a land  of  homes  and  fire- 
sides? Who,  I might  add,  so  to  speak,  was  to 
bring  about  this  great  transformation?  Oh, 


ALMANACK 


my  friends  and  musicians,  our  guest  of  this 
evening  belonged  to  that  little  band  of  fear- 
less men  who  deserve  to  rank,  so  to  speak, 
with  the  illustrious  Plymouth  Rocks — I should 
say  Rhode  Island  Reds — or  I mean,  of  course, 
Pilgrim  Fathers.  (Applause  lasting  some  min- 
utes.) So,  I say,  it  is  a great  honor  to  stand 
here  tonight  before  this  great  audience  and 
splendid  band,  by  universal  request,  and  have 
the  distinguished  honor,  so  to  speak,  to  intro- 
duce to  you  a man  who,  though  ripe  in  years 
and  whose  career  is  crowned  with  success, 
comes  back  to  you  the  same  genial  nature’s 
nobleman.  My  friends  and  band,  I have  the 
distinguished  pleasure  of  introducing  to  you 
Mr.  Brough  McGee,  of  Apache  County,  Ne- 
vada.” 

As  Mr.  Tansey  took  his  seat  amid  wild 
cheering,  Mr.  McGee  arose  dressed  in  a tight 
fitting  brown  and  black  suit  and  spoke  in  thick, 
blunt  tones  in  full  as  follows : 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Mr.  ‘Brough  McGee 


“I  hain’t  no  speech  maker.  I like  to  hear 
’em,  but  I don’t  make  ’em.  I guess  nobuddy 


ALMANACK 


here  remembers  me.  You  wuz  all  little  shav- 
ers when  I went  West  in  the  fifties  ’bout  the 
time  the  Haines  boys  killed  their  mother.  It 
took  a lot  o’  grit  to  go  West  them  days.  I 
done  pretty  well  I guess,  but  I had  to  hav  ^ 
grit.  If  you  hain’t  got  grit  in  the  West  they’ll 
eat  you  up.” 

At  the  conclusion  of  Mr.  McGee’s  address 
a number  of  our  older  citizens  hung  about  him 
while  the  crowd  was  moving  out. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Wet  and  Dry  Notes 


It  makes  some  folks  keg-backed  t’  live  in  a 
dry  town. 

M 

Tell  Binkley  received  a barrel  o’  sugar  t’day 
containin’  one  hundred  an’  twenty  pints. 


ALMANAC  K 


Ole  Niles  Turner  presented  a prescription 
fer  a pair  o’  spectacles  Saturday  an’  th’  clerk 
said,  “I’m  jist  out,  but  I expect  a barrel  in 
t’morrow.” 

M 

Tilford  Moots’  nephew,  o’  Muncie,  has  got 
th’  rheumatism  from  holdin’  a wet  poll  book. 


A small,  inexpensive  piece  o’  ice  added  t’ 
one  cup  o’  water  will  make  it  cool. 

M 

Some  feller  down  at  Seymour  has  a set  o’ 
bar  fixtures  an’  a alligator  vest  fer  sale. 

M 

If  women  kin  stand  ’round  th’  polls  all  day 
in  Orange  county  they  kin  stand  up  in  th’ 
street  cars. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Th’  New  Plush  Ultra  debatin’  club  tackled 
“Which  is  th’  most  destructive,  fire  er  water?” 
at  Melodeon  Hall  last  night,  an’  th’  drys  won. 

M 

Th’  ladies’  orangeade  society,  o’  Orange 
county,  is  assistin’  at  th’  polls  in  Jennings 
county  t’day. 

M 

If  it  sounds  like  a tub  full  o’  dishes  it’s  a 
bootlegger. 

M 

A little  liquor  in  a cellar  never  hurt  nobuddy. 

M 

You  don’t  git  no  bologna  with  your  drink  at 
a drug  store. 

When  you  see  three  men  in  a buggy  it’s  a 
cinch  ther  full. 


ALMANAC  K 


It’s  purty  hard  t’  watch  a three  ring  circus 
in  a dry  county. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


While  young  Lafe  Bud  wuz  returnin’  from 
Indynoplus  yisterday  a sudden  lurch  o’  th’ 
train  caused  him  t’  be  thrown  violently  t’  th’ 
ground,  but  fortunately  he  escaped  with  only 
two  broken  bottles. 

M 

Ther  hain’t  nothin’  t’  take  th’  place  o’  whisky 
unless  it’s  born  in  you. 

M 

A bootlegger  fell  off  th’  court  house  steps  at 
Franklin  yisterday  an’  it  took  seven  doctors  t’ 
pick  th’  glass  out  o’  him. 


Miss  Bunnie  Jones,  o’  Martinsville  (dry), 
will  visit  her  aunt  in  Richmond  (wet)  this 
week. 


ALMANACK 


Sawdust  Scented,  Much  Frequent- 
ed, Circus  Tented 


Lay — dees  and  Gen  t — 
men : 

While  announc — ing 
our  con — cert  a few  mo — 
ments  ago  I forgot  to 
mention  the  crown — ing 
feature,  Miss  Nina  Del — 
mato,  the  most  in — trepid, 
the  most  daring  of  all 
aerialists,  in  her  m a r — 
velous,  death  de — fying, 
perilous  descent  on  a slen- 
der cable  from  the  top — 
most  pinnacle  of  this  vast  pavilion  by  the  hair 
of  her  head  to  the  earth  below,  a dis — tance 
of  one  hun — dred  feet!  See  her!  I thank — 
you. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


ECHOES  OF  THE  LATE  UN- 
PLEASANTNESS 


Campaign  Episodes  From  Indiana 
The  Political  Hotbed 
of  America 

By  Hon ♦ Ex-Editor  Cate  Fluhart 

The  most  picturesque  feature  of  a presiden- 
tial campaign  in  our  country  today  is  the  In- 
diana Whirlwind  Finish  which  both  great  par- 
ties participated  in  at  the  eleventh  hour  to 
warm  up  the  tired  farmer  and  give  new  life 
to  the  old  party  wheel  horses. 

The  following  observations  are  given  just  as 
they  appear  in  my  diary,  and  the  illustrations 
are  lifelike  and  true: 


I 

I 

ALMANACK 


A novel  incident  marked  Mr.  Bryan’s  stop 
at  Noblesville.  A babe  was  passed  to  the  rear 
platform  over  the  heads  of  the  crowd,  and  the 
Unparalleled  Commoner,  beaming  with  smiles, 
kissed  the  tot  and  passed  it  back.  The  crowd 
was  so  large  that  the  little  child  did  not  reach 
its  mother  on  the  edge  of  the  throng  for  fully 
two  hours. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Many  distinguished  looking  women  crowded 
the  galleries  and  listened  to  every  word  Mr. 
Taft  spoke  in  regard  to  law  by  injunction. 


At  Bloomfield  Mr.  Bryan  remarked  that  the 
intelligence  of  a family  was  often  in  the  wife’s 


name. 


ALMANAC  K 


It  remained  for  Scottsburg  to  make  the 
finest  demonstration  of  the  day  in  honor  of  Mr. 
Taft.  Clem  Taylor  was  the  grand  marshal, 
and  the  parade  started  on  the  dot. 


When  it  was  known  that  John  McCutcheon, 
George  Ade  and  Sam  Blythe  were  on  the  Bev- 
eridge special  the  town  soon  filled  with 
strangers,  who  soon  filled  up. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


At  Shoals  the  crowd  that  greeted  Mr.  Taft 
was  very  complimentary  when  it  is  considered 
that  the  hazel  nut  season  was  .at  its  height. 
When  the  band  played  “On  the  Wabash”  a 
handsomely  dressed  young  lady  from  Terre 
Haute  wept  freely. 


ALMANAC  K 


Mr.  Beveridge  spoke  almost  five  minutes  at 
Walkerton  and  confined  himself  closely  to  the 
issues  of  the  day.  When  the  dray  load  of  peo- 
ple drove  away  loud  cheers  went  up  for  the 
fearless  young  senator. 


[7] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


When  the  farmers  in  the  vicinity  of  Tulip 
heard  that  Wm.  Dudley  Foulke  was  liable  to 
be  on  the  Taft  special  hundreds  of  them 
stopped  their  work  in  the  fields  and  drove  to 
town  to  hear  the  band. 


ALMANAC  K 


The  first  voters’  club  of  Rising  Sun  seemed 
to  affect  Mr.  Taft  deeply,  and  he  spoke  to  the 
young  members  of  the  boundless  opportunities 
in  Panama  for  strong,  able-bodied  shovelers. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Fully  an  hour  before  the  Bryan  special 
reached  Gosport  the  lively  strains  of  the  cornet 
band  of  that  city  could  be  heard  distinctly 
across  the  wild  moor. 


ALMANAC  K 


At  Lime  Dale  the  Rusty  Hinge  Quartet 
joined  the  Taft  party  and  charmed  the  crowds 
at  many  stops  until  Fort  Wayne  was  reached. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


It  soon  got  noised  about  that  the  Senator 
Beveridge  special  would  stop  two  minutes  at 
Jasonville  and  the  poolroom  was  soon  de- 
serted and  the  people  generally  gave  him  a 
rousing  welcome. 


ALMANACK 


Even  the  more  modest  homes  of  Crawfords- 
ville  were  lavishly  decorated  in  honor  of  the 
Great  Commoner. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


When  Mr.  Bryan  appeared  thousands  upon 
* thousands  of  farmers  fought  madly  to  shake 
hands  with  the  famous  Westerner,  and  every 
mention  of  the  physical  ownership  of  railroads 
was  cheered  lustily. 


ALMANAC  K 


At  Lafayette  it  was  declared  by  some  of  the 
older  residents  that  the  Bryan  reception  was 
even  greater  than  accorded  James  G.  Blaine  in 
1884, 


i 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Constable  Newt  Plum’s  son-in-law  up  at 
Indynoplus,  who  had  his  nose  cut  off  last  sum- 
mer, says  that  sometimes  he’s  glad  o’  it  as  it 
helps  th’  street  car  conductors  t’  remember 
that  they  got  his  fare. 

M 

Ole  Niles  Turner  can’t  read,  an’  during’  th’ 
Spanish- American  War  he  wuz  holdin’  a paper 
upside  down  an’  said,  “Hello,  here’s  another 
battleship  blown  t’  h — 1.” 


Constable  Newt  Plum  accidentally  locked  his 
whiskers  up  in  a cash  register  last  night  an’  it 
wuz  three  o’clock  before  his  cries  fer  help  wuz 
heard. 


ALMANAC  K 


If  ther  wuz  only  three  men  in  th’  world  two 
o’  them  would  be  grafters. 

A feller  kin  have  a swelled  head  an’  still 
wear  a number  six  hat. 

M 

Th’  handiest  girl  at  a weddin’  is  th’  one  that 
never  had  a beau. 

M 

It’s  natural  fer  ever’buddy  t’  be  dissatisfied 
with  ther  lot — ’specially  when  a sewer  hits  it. 

M 

Lots  o’  folks  git  credit  fer  havin’  a strong 
will  power  when  ther  only  pig-headed. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Men  git  ole  before  they  know  it,  but  women 
don’t. 


Th’  feller  that  has  lots  o’  friends  never 
knows  what  kind  o’  se-gars  he’s  smokin’. 

JS 

Some  folks  pay  a compliment  like  they  went 
down  in  ther  pocket  fer  it. 

M 

You  never  know  a feller  till  you  go  fishin’ 
with  him. 

jst 

We  alius  pay  four  prices  fer  a good  time. 

M 

A feller  hain’t  necessarily  lucky  ’cause  he 
wins  a bride. 


ALMANACK 


All  things  come  t’  him  that  waits — if  he 
knows  where  t’  wait. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


You  kin  excuse  a good  many  things  in  a 
feller  that  pays  his  honest  debts. 

M 

You  never  hear  o’  no  lost  opportunities  bein’ 
returned  by  th’  finder. 

M 

Nothin’ll  stop  some  people  but  a small  ad- 
mission fee. 

M 

Uneasy  lies  th’  head  that  looks  bum  in  a 
straw  hat. 

No  matter  what  a little  man  wears  it  makes 
him  look  littler. 

M 

Never  take  a rough  way  t’  git  even. 


ALMANAC  K 


Mrs.  Tilford  Moots’  father  died  yisterday. 
He  wuz  89  years  ole  an’  had  only  been  t’  Niag- 
ary  Falls  three  times. 

M 

Th’  only  time  th’  average  husband  gits  any- 
thing t’  eat  is  when  ther’s  company  in  th’ 
house,  an’  then  he  has  t’  eat  slow. 


President  Taft  kin  take  a vacation,  but  th’ 
plain  people  have  t’  stay  at  home  an’  read  his 
golf  scores. 


Constable  Newt  Plum’s  married  daughter  is 
jist  crazy  t’  move  way  out  where  she  kin  raise 
chickens  an’  miss  ever’thing. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


One  o’  th’  worst  o’  th’  fifty-seven  varieties  o’ 
undesirables  is  th’  feller  that  asks  you  a ques- 
tion an’  then  don’t  pay  no  attention  t’  your 
answer. 

M 

Food  fer  thought  will  remain  on  th’  free  list. 

M 

After  eatin’  a hearty  supper  an’  chattin’  in  a 
unusually  optimistic  vein  on  his  porch  with 
members  of  his  household,  Uncle  Ez  Pash  wuz 
found  an  hour  later  at  a Dimmycratic  caucus. 

M 

Generally  speakin’,  farmers  have  had  a purty 
prosperous  time  durin’  th’  last  seven  years,  but 
still,  after  payin’  fer  new  tires  an’  pianolas, 
they  hain’t  saved  so  much  after  all. 


ALMANAC  K 


Which  would  you  rather  do,  somebuddy  er 
go  fishin’? 

M 

If  prosperity  will  jist  return  no  questions 
will  be  asked. 

M 

A ball  club  has  t’  lose  ’bout  twenty  straight 
games  b’fore  th’  sportin’  editur  says,  “Well, 
we  can’t  expect  t’  win  all  th’  time.” 

Tilford  Moots  talks  some  o’  sellin’  his  farm, 
as  he  says  it’s  too  confinin’. 

M 

A feller  don’t  have  over  two  er  three  real 
friends  in  a lifetime.  Once  in  a while  you 
meet  some  one  that’s  nice  an’  clever,  but  he 
generally  turns  out  t’  be  an  agent  fer  some- 
thin’. 


[8] 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


You  never  hear  nothin’  ’bout  “th’  money 
father  used  t’  make.” 


Dock  Marsh  an’  th’  boys  er  back  from  a 
huntin’  trip  in  Arkansas.  They  killed  eight 
quarts. 

M 

Nobuddy  kin  talk  as  interestin’  as  th’  feller 
that’s  not  hampered  by  facts  er  infermation. 

M 

Speakin’  o’  th’  hereafter,  I think  a feller  gits 
’bout  ever’thing  that’s  cornin’  t’  him  on  this 
earth — unless  he’s  a doctor. 


What  is  worse  than  havin’  some  one  try  t’ 
tell  you  about  a play  they  saw? 


ALMANACK 


Ther’s  only  ’bout  two  places  left  any  more 
where  a feller  don’t  get  skinned — th’  pustoffice 
an’  th’  town  pump. 

M 

A reg’lar  sport  is  a feller  that  kin  beg  his 
cigarettes  an’  play  pool  so  good  it  don’t  cost 
him  nothin’. 

M 

Mrs.  Tipton  Bud  says  she’d  rather  play 
bridge  all  th’  time  than  do  without  a hired  girl. 

M 

Some  people  worry  an’  others  don’t  pretend 
t’  pay  anything. 

J8T 

Young  Lafe  Bud  has  accepted  a position 
with  th’  Vanderbilts — brakin’. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Clothes  don’t  make  th’  man,  but  they’ve 
helped  many  an  actress. 

M 

A friend  that  hain’t  in  need  is  a friend  in- 
deed. 

JET 

Opportunity  only  knocks  once — generally 
before  you’re  married. 

JET 

Experience  is  a dear  teacher  but  he  delivers 
th’  goods. 

JET 

Hat  store  lookin’  glasses  ’ll  take  th’  conceit 
out  o’  a feller  quicker’n  anything  else. 

J& 

Two  kin  live  cheaper  than  one — but  not  as 
long. 


ALMANAC  K 


Tell  Binkley 


There  are  thousands 
of  Tell  Binkleys.  Clean 
cut,  a ff  a b 1 e fellows, 
considerate,  kindly  and 
execution  proof ; tak- 
ing large  interest  in 
public  affairs;  selling 
oil  land  today  and  min- 
i n g stock  tomorrow ; 
prominent  at  all  gath- 
erings and  foremost  in 
group  photographs ; 
the  head  and  spirit  of 
all  movements  for  bet- 
terment of  town  or 
city;  borrowing  here 
and  there  and  paying 
eventually ; drinking  or 
leaving  it  alone;  al- 
ways sympathetic  and 
kind. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Tell  Binkley  came  to  Brown  County  ten 
years  ago  and  he  has  been  expecting  a check 
from  somewhere  every  day  since.  For  a while 
he  was  a trusted  employe  of  the  Bean  Blossom 
Trust  Company,  but  his  wide  circle  of  friends 
caused  the  institution  to  close  its  doors,  and 
after  a short  absence  abroad  the  indictment 
was  quashed  and  he  returned  to  his  old  haunts. 
He  is  still  the  same  whole  souled,  polished, 
kindly  gentleman,  liberal  to  a fault  and  shar- 
ing his  massive  touring  car  with  the  highest 
and  humblest  citizen  alike. 


ALMANAC  K 


It  seems  like  some  folks  er  fated  t’  go  clean 
thro’  life  puttin’  up  hammocks  fer  others  t’  en- 
joy. 

M 

It  must  be  embarrassin’ t’  be  poor  an’  promi- 
nent. 


You  won’t  meet  any  autos  in  th’  straight  an’ 
narrow  path. 


Children  soon  git  ont’  th’  grocer  that  breaks 
a cracker  in  two  t’  make  th’  scales  balance. 


Some  folks  patternize  a grocery  an’  others 
send  ther  little  children  with  a book. 


ABE  MARTIN'S 


Some  fellers  er  land  poor  an’  others  have 
ther  money  tied  up  in  dress  suits. 

JET 

Tell  Binkley,  who  has  been  loafin’  ’round 
here  fer  years,  will  address  th’  workin’  men  at 
Melodeon  hall  t’day  on  th’  “Dignity  o’  Labor.” 

M 

I knowed  a feller  back  in  ’59  that  went  on 
one  o’  them  polar  expositions.  His  boat  wuz 
frozen  up  tight  in  latitude  eighty-three  all  that 
blazin’  hot  summer,  an’  his  wife  an’  little  chil- 
dren wuz  at  home  without  a bit  o’  ice  in  th’ 
house. 

JET 

Ole  Niles  Turner  says  that  th’  plain,  ever’- 
day  wool  an’  cotton  mixed  variety  o’  consumer 
hain’t  hankerin’  very  much  fer  another  “square 
deal”  administration. 


ALMANAC  K 


This  has  been  a wonderful  record  breakin’ 
year,  but  so  fer  nobuddy  has  beat  th’  booze 
game. 

M 

Professor  Alex  Tansey,  who  spent  one  whole 
winter  in  Sandusky,  Ohio,  an’  who  is  widely 
conversant  in  polar  travel,  repudiates  th’  Cook 
an’  Peary  dashes.  He  says  nobuddy  but  Eliza 
Harris  could  o’  made  th’  remarkable  time. 


Th’  feller  with  a family  t’  support  don’t 
know  whether  t’  laugh  er  git  mad  when  he 
reads  President  Taft’s  speeches. 

M 

Lafe  Bud  has  resigned  his  job  at  th’  sawmill 
’cause  it  took  up  too  much  o’  his  time. 


ABE  MARTIN’S 


Pinky  Kerr  wuz  up  t’  Indynoplus  yisterday 
an’  stopped  at  a reg’lar  hut-tel  almost  two 
hours  from  tip  t’  tip. 

Onions  eaten  raw  will  destroy  tlT  odor  o’  a 
hot  lead  pencil  eraser. 


Lafe  Bud  is  gittin’ t’  look  like  th’  feller  that 
reforms  in  th’  third  act. 


Hon.  Ex-Editur  Cale  Fluhart  says  he  got 
bounced  off  a newspaper  once  fer  gittin’ 
scooped  on  a lingerin’  death. 

M 

Th’  survivors  o’  a $7  Niagary  Falls  Excur- 
sion will  hold  a reunion  in  th’  Moots  grove 
Saturday. 


ALMANAC  K 


Some  of  our  brightest  politicians  say  anomi- 
nated  fer  nominated. 

M 

Miss  Fawn  Lippincut  has  written  a purty 
little  song  called  “Take  Back  Your  Heart,  I 
Ordered  Walrus.” 

M 

People  that  can’t  sing  never  refuse. 


(La_  C>r)int  sweer 

s3§  i.  Bre^hoers 


The  End 


Other  Abe  Martin  Books 


Abe  Martin’s  Sayings  (1907),  $1.00. 
Abe  Martin’s  Almanack  (1908),  $1.00. 
The  W.  K.  Stewart  Co.,  Indianapolis. 

Abe  Martin’s  Almanack  (1909),  $1.00. 
Abe  Martin  Pub.  Co.,  Indianapolis. 


